Sunday, January 14, 2024

Strike One

*All names have been changed to keep the identity of my friends and potential love interests private. 


I had never really asked a boy out!! Until January 12, 2024.


What inspired this bold move on my part, you may ask. I could answer that question many ways but honestly we’re going to dedicate this post to my two coworkers Taylor and Anna. The night before I asked Oliver out, I was facing the cheese section at Trader Joe’s Orem with Taylor. Taylor, recently broken up with, has been going on a cornucopia of Hinge Dates. And Anna, long-time married, asked Taylor how the dates were going. Although Taylor didn’t have many good things to say about the dates she’d been going on, Anna and I both applauded her for going on dates at all. As the conversation progressed, I expressed that Taylor inspired me to download Hinge but I hadn’t been using the app much. I said boys scared me. Taylor and Anna reassured me that boys were nothing to be scared of (they’re just boys).


I went home that night and cried a little.


My tears came on behalf of a variety of reasons. 

  1. Because I feel like I should be dating right now but don't really want to. 

  2. Because I'm really good at comparing myself to others (dating seems to come so easily to everyone else so why is it so hard for me?). 

  3. Because when it comes down to it I don't think it's boys that scare me, it's the thought of being in a relationship (or maybe it's not relationships as much as it is the thought of being vulnerable and intimate with someone else? YIKES.)

  4. Because my brain is really mean to me sometimes and tells me that I'm broken and I'll never find love (I've spent 26 years single who's to say that's going to change any time soon?)

  5. Idk there's probably some other reasons but the aforementioned reasons are the main ones


So yeah. I cried a bit that night and a bit the next day but then pulled myself together and finally messaged some boys on Hinge. No dates were set up, but responding to any of them at all was a baby step in the right direction. And then I felt inspired to message my friend Ellie a podcast episode about dating that had been recommended to me by my friend Taylor lol. This led to Ellie telling me she had a goal to go on 12 dates this year and me suggesting we set up a double date for this month and here we are. The rest is basically history. Ellie told me she would need me to find her a boy to go out with so I sent her a roster of boys to choose from. When she asked me if I would need help finding a date I told her I had a boy in mind (OliveršŸ„°).

 

Oliver is nice, funny, smart, cute, and spiritual (a full pie according to an analogy my mom taught me eons ago when I became of marrying age.) We had met in a YSA ward I'd just moved out of and had only had a couple of interactions but they'd all been positive. We should have had more interactions, but I spent many Sundays in that ward trying to get up the courage to go talk to him but wimping out or finding a lame excuse not to. Nevertheless, from what I knew about him he checked a lot of boxes I had and I want to get to know him better. So I asked him out. Over instagram DM. In a perfect world I would have been able to ask him out over regular old text or even in person but instagram was the only sure way I had to contact him and we made it work.


I worked an 11-7 shift at Trader Joe's Orem on Friday January 12, 2024. The night before I had drafted the texts in my notes app that I was going to send to Oliver and Zane (the boy I was going to set Ellie up with) with the plan of sending the messages on my lunch break at work. I knew I would be too anxious the day of to compose a text I felt good about, and drafting important texts well ahead of time makes me feel like I somewhat have my life together.

"Hey!! So sorry to be doing this over Instagram dm!! But me and my friend Ellie are trying to set up a double date for ourselves next Wednesday night. Would you be free to go out with me then?"
My lunch break came and went and I didn't send the texts because I was too anxious and worried I'd be distracted every time my phone buzzed for the rest of my shift. The messages were finally sent at 7:38pm-- after I'd returned home from work and while I was in the bathroom getting ready to go to a coworker's birthday party. Before I'd sent the texts, my heart rate was around 64 bpm. After I'd sent the texts it rocketed up to a whopping 113 bpm (a rate that if regularly experienced while resting would warrant a tachycardia diagnosis!!) But the timing I sent these texts ended up working out great for me because the company of my other coworkers at the party kept my mind off the responses I was waiting for.


Do I have a health condition or did I just experience a moment of high anxiety?

Zane sent an extremely polite reply around 1:00am the next day. He wasn't available Wednesday but would still love to go out with Ellie another time.


Oliver didn't reply until 11:29am the next day saying,

"Thank you for asking! That sounds like it would be so fun but I actually have started dating someone exclusively!"

I can't say my overthinking prone brain didn't prepare me for a response like that, but I still spent some time to sit on my bedroom floor and simply reflect on the jab of disappointment I'd just been hit with:/ Not only was he not available but he was SO NICE ABOUT IT. Why'd he have to be nice? That just made it 1) hurt a little bit more and 2) so I liked him a little bit more. However after a brief time on the floor, I picked myself up and carried on. I laughed to myself, because of course something like this would happen(!!) but also because I was giddy with the power of exercising my agency. Historically, I've been a girl who sits around and waits for boys to show interest in her. And while there's nothing wrong with that, it's just made me feel a bit useless after a while. But I'd just shot my shot with a boy I was interested in and I was proud of myself!


In 2024, I've decided fear is out and faith is in. And while this definitely isn't the last disappointment I'm going to experience in 2024, if I can overcome the other disappointments I'm going to face this year with as much grace and optimism I overcame this one with, I think we'll be in for a good year:)


If you found you could relate to the emotions found in this post, Rizzabasil recommends listening to the following songs

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